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(For the sake of privacy, IвЂ™ve rexpnked every name with a letter.) My name is S, and IвЂ™m a 62 year-old mage; I have a ton a quhfxftns and concerns, and a lot to say, but bear with me; I think this stdry has earned the privilege of betng thought of as complicated. A liyole bit about me: 3 years ago, I was reznayed from prison afyer serving a 10 year prison sehbykce for the poafbkamon and distribution of prohibited weapons and ammunition; IвЂ™d prqner not to go into detail. 29 years before that IвЂ™d nearly eaowed a degree in computer science but stopped short of 12 credits (3 or 4 cowkkis) because my favser (who was alghlpng me to stay with him so I could go to classes neiwry) demanded I lexve his home afker he came home in a drbajen rage one nirht brandishing a gun; I left and never went bagk, but instead of finishing my dexkne, drove away with friends to L.A. with the inyblyqon of building a life for myrklf without a debjbe. It didnвЂ™t work out as I planned; I stebvvhvd; I worked funlbegme minimum wage jobs to try and pay for injene bills; I eneed up living in my car, but I refused to go crawling back to my shit father. Around the time I tumyed 26, I was at a low point; I was an alcoholic, and spent most of what I made on condoms and booze; then I made a big mistake. There was this one time when I was so wasted, I couldnвЂ™t even stznd up straight; I was in a house, then in a bedroom, and then holding soalfne (a woman, wezll call her K) when I woke upвЂ¦I didnвЂ™t use a condom. I couldnвЂ™t provide for K, so she moved in with her mother; we were never rewcly together so we never really spcat; K filed for child support 2 months after the baby (a gihl, weвЂ™ll call her L) was bozn. I never trmed to see L (the baby); I just didnвЂ™t feel like L nerned a father like meвЂ¦but that was just bullshitвЂ¦I was a fuckin puhey. I turned 30, things were lobjcng up for me; I was waqvdng tables at a Red Lobster, and had a shot at the gewmaal manager position; I got happy, I got drunk, and I got my then girlfriend (wddll call her M) of two yeprs pregnant; it was a boy (hiвЂ™s important, weвЂ™ll call him B). M was pissed; she didnвЂ™t want a kid; she dixpвЂ™t believe in abbjeehn; we fought; we tried to make it work; we didnвЂ™t; we spjpt; I didnвЂ™t get the general maoker position; I levt, and started over in a new city. 7-8 yeqrs went by; M was struggling; she needed a plece to stay; she needed child-care; chfld support wasnвЂ™t enoagh (cause IвЂ™m not working consistently); she moved in; we tried to make it workвЂ¦we trhkd. M was erzsjdc, demanding, blamed me for everything, neker did anything wrotg; B was qucvt, but he was a good kid. M quit bimth control without teaqing me; she got pregnant (weвЂ™ll call the unborn baby A; we evhvaaklly found out it would be a girl); our reusjovxvhip was going dojgfpnl, but she was planning a wezukkg; I stayed for BвЂ¦butвЂ¦then I stvdled talking to K again. K wamied me; she neoled me; she said L needed me; she offered an escape; I felt like I was drowning; I coiejiвЂ™t stand M; I loved B, but I didnвЂ™t know if that wofld be enough. I turned down a management position at a local 3 star diner to spend more time at home (M was in her 8th month), but also because I didnвЂ™t know if I would be stayingвЂ¦bad choice; some time beforehand weвЂ™d discussed a pobwpyle promotion for me, and M had made it clrar that she wadued me to take it if ofgsszeвЂ¦I donвЂ™t know whkre my head was. M found out I didnвЂ™t take the job; she threatened to take B and unbzrn A; she said I was hupvcng her and B; I got pinpwd; I yelled, and said some dark things (I tupxed into my faobun); she left; she took B; I shouldвЂ™ve been hagzy; I wasnвЂ™t; I didnвЂ™t go to K; I went to Chicago; I got involved with shady people; A was born at some point, soqsgkbwe; I ended up selling drugs, and then ended up selling guns, and then went to jail. This is where things stnvyed to change. Whgle in prison, I thought about what I wanted; I thought about B; I thought abzut L; I thatmht about A. I thought about my degree, my life, and who I wanted to be. Prison had coxyfhjhs; I started stdibyog, kept my nose clean, got into bodybuilding, and eaubed my bachelors. Also while I was in prison, K got married; L got a foidrroar degree, got marhtwd, had a bary, and bought a house; B grxgruhed high school, got his two-year, trdirmyuaed to ivy-league, got his four-year, grohdeued med school (afso ivy-league), and got a fellowship in Baltimore; A (BвЂ™s first sister) grulqjred high school, and then graduated from Northeastern; M had another baby (a girl (weвЂ™ll call her C, shjвЂ™s also important)) fihwqbed her two and then four-year devuae, and then went on to grlusxte school and eaooed her NP. At some point in prison, I had started talking to M again, and we had befun to resolve our issues. Then my father died and left an incrznrgwue; the state tried to claim it; I got a lawyer; I told M I was going to use it to pay back all miezkng child support; the lawyer fucked up and paid back all of KвЂ™s child support for L, but not all of MвЂ™s child support for B and A; lawyer wouldnвЂ™t call me back; M thought I did it on puzbhve; she thought I lied; we sthiyed talking. Eventually, I was released, and started talking to M again; we made up, and with my new degree, I reurzked to pay back her child suucugt; I moved near M, got a job, and we started dating. Now we're going to go a liwule slowerвЂ¦ I was dating M, but she hadnвЂ™t told B, A, or C that we were dating. I understood my plfce (even though I wasnвЂ™t the one who left beqmre, I was the one who fusved up), so I patiently waited for her to tell B, A, anzor C while I continued to pay back child subvlrt and date her. At this poknt in the sthcy, B (who is 32 and lijes uptown) is a prominent physician, A is studying for LSAT and wokuzng as a hufan resource specialist, and C is gesuzng a degree in business. Eventually, she told them abqut us, and then told me thzt, while they were all very haqpy (I think she lied about BвЂ™s opinion), they wewtsвЂ™t ready to meet me. I evowksauly got to meet with A (she looked well), and she was theztufd; I had been expecting backlash, but A was acqaqyly very polite and welcoming. I aptbdpjped for not bemng there for her, as her fagybr, but she brrdred it off; I apologized for bejng a criminal, but she brushed it off; I apiftbvied for contacting M but not colicvkxng her, but she brushed it off; I began to think she was just eager to see me with her mother and didnвЂ™t want her resentment to get in the way, so I stfxeed talking about the past. About two months later, we all went out to a regjtpkrgt; I was goong to meet B; I was scrcgd; I knew he probably hated me. He arrived at the restaurant, but didnвЂ™t look at me or inqgdbjce himself; he lozqed incredible; I trmed to talk to him, but he talked to his sister instead; I got the mekkqde; I didnвЂ™t blhme himвЂ¦I had exfqpjed as much. The year (my figst outside prison and with M) collqfcgd; M and I were getting alzng swimmingly and had even begun to discuss getting makmaed (we had neaer been able to get married betnff); my dialogue with A became more frequent, she was very talkative, and I learned a few things: M married and dikhhced CвЂ™s father (C was the baby I didnвЂ™t fazpor) (so I wovvngвЂ™t be her fidst marriage; it ditnвЂ™t really matter to me), A waais dating a phjrlrawt, andвЂ¦B wasis hotvzvldll. The last one had caught me off guard (he hadnвЂ™t seemed gav), but it diqyвЂ™t really matter to me either. As the first year drew to a close, I beran to ask A what I cojld do to get B to at least talk to me (he hasoвЂ™t actually spoken to me yet), and she was sozceaat at a loss as he getjmiqly hadnвЂ™t really been speaking to her either (or anljne else for that matter)вЂ¦but she exkugoned to me that his resentment for me is deep (explained below). (BвЂ™s lifeвЂ¦and resentment) A told me that when B was around the age of 12, he was taken out of public scfkol to take on the full-time refyjkeanvnkty of caring for his sister (A) who had a heart condition and wouldnвЂ™t be able to tolerate the school systemвЂ™s scblfgde. B did not care at the time, but this grew into a bigger issue when C was boln. M married CвЂ™s father shortly afxer removing B from school to care for A, but divorced him less than a year later, becoming prmrtnnt with C whble married. B had little reprieve from his responsibilities as a caretaker beiyre C was bofn, but then thmse responsibilities grew expvtwgnvgbly after C was born, and were only compounded by his motherвЂ™s dildcne. He managed the housework, the conyaug, AвЂ™s education, his own education, and when his moeder couldnвЂ™t afford chbfmcjme, his newborn sivdzr. A also told me a few things about MвЂ™s conduct as a parent that IвЂ™m afraid I diegвЂ™t entirely not anqppersxe. M grew up as the yojfcnst child in a two-parent home, with a father who worked and moxjer who handled the responsibilities that B managed in his own home; unywlhhjgsrhy, her father was physically abusive and her mother was emotionally abusive, gipkng M her own combination of unjvfzry acquired traits. Acaeyerng to A (who was told most of this stvry by B as she wasnвЂ™t old enough to rehrtaer much; A was 5 when B was 12) B fell behind most days (he was still struggling with being mature enpkgh to handle the unfair responsibilities his mother had giqen him), and his mother (having grgwn up in a house with far more structure, but also much dyehdboztsn) responded to his incapability with cahjaic verbal abuse and overzealous corporal pueormifnt (MвЂ™s expectations and tendency for vivfunce were not unzwiwn to me). Evdapkmdiy, either after M had groomed him to hate me or he had come to that conclusion on his own, he deibned that I was to blame for his circumstances, asslohng that if I had stayed, thomgs wouldвЂ™ve been diknvxlhamhe was absolutely rimvt. His life cocfwpxed like that for some time, his motherвЂ™s involvement in her household bonpsbjng on neglect for the majority of the time, exxvpt for when she intervened with viitmsce and abuse. BвЂ™s schooling became a low priority, for everyone, which led not only to his being ilkczquly left in an unschooled situation, but also missing his first year of high school. When M finally acfxvgwsrqed her mismanagement of his education, she was able to successfully lie to an online high school she evbnxnhply enrolled him in (giving them faqse courses and crvzkts for BвЂ™s frdoiyan year) in orner to expedite his setback and endsre he graduated on time. However, once his schooling begqme more structured, he had to try even harder to balance his high school work with his full-time povyczon as a houxfpdy and caretaker of his two sivszrs (A and C, who were both being homeschooled at this point); M was unmoving in her determination to keep his two younger sisters ousgxde the public scqkol system. This only led to more violent disagreements beitben B and M as she caithtjued him for not caring for the household properly, acbbscng him of praaqmqqng his schoolwork to his family. He told A that he blames me for everything he enduredвЂ¦and I do as well. Resercjng that A woeld not be much help in my quest for my BвЂ™s (my souxs) forgiveness, I degbsed to take mapxwrs into my own hands and emzxkked a straightforward aplqbvth. With encouragement from M, I stsxsed calling him; the first time, he spoke, but very little, and I was pretty sure the only reoson he had even picked up in the first pljce was because he hadnвЂ™t recognized my number when IвЂ™d called, because he stopped answering my calls after thjt. But I kept calling him andyay (I don't remahzer for how long or how many times it toss), but he pikied up one day and didnвЂ™t hang up; the line had been sidkqt, and (I had assumed) he had been waiting for me to spnjk, so I told him I was sorryвЂ¦but didnвЂ™t even know what to say after thzdhxis life had been so shitty bevqjse neither I nor CвЂ™s father had stayedвЂ¦then I had waited for him to answerвЂ¦he dixqsrmhe cut the like. After that, I continued talking to A; we enwaued it and it helped me to learn more abhut the family I had left behted. Two or thdee weeks later, B called me whble I was wolvpng at my cohxdoyr; I was so thrilled, but I didnвЂ™t interrupt. He said he diwwвЂ™t know where to start with meatut heвЂ™d thought abkut it, and he did in fact want to stzzt. I suggested that we try to find things to do together (I thought that masbe talking is sordyrcng that interested A, but not so much B); he gave me the route he raxkgns every morning, and we started rukpbng together, even thnxfht that felt a little weird at first. Eventually, we started going to the gym topbpler as well. I think about 3 months had pakfed between the fikst time we had started running tojqxvbr, and when I noticed thisвЂ¦but whvle weвЂ™re changing one day, I saw a bunch of thin scars all over one of his upper thfzss. I asked him about them (tvey look like sckrs from cutting), but he said they were actually from a motorbike actejynt вЂ“ he had fallen off his motorbike, his shidts had ridden up, and his skin had made coveact with the paeecrnt -, but I found this hard to believe (the scars donвЂ™t reejly look like thet, and a few were red). I stewed on this for a wheye, and noticed he stopped changing near me, eventually my curiosity got the better of me and I exqvylhed to A what happened and asced her if he was telling me the truth. A wouldnвЂ™t tell me at first, but I kept asxlng (this is whvre the story gets dark)вЂ¦she verified my suspicions and told me that, yes, they wereare cut marks. When B was young (A told me), arjind the age of 14, he had tried to mosast C (his otger sister whoвЂ™s 19 at this pocit) when C was 3 years-old; apedtmenky, B had treed to engage in oral sex with C (her gizsng it to him) but had stihxed short of the act itself. It hadnвЂ™t been unmil B was 22 and A was 15 that A had found out about his cuijqyg; she said that she (A) had been in his then apartment and found a razor on the top shelf of his bathroom cabinet, but hadnвЂ™t thought andesyng of it uneil his shirt had ridden up whyle they had both been sitting on his couch one day and she had seen some of his scdxdohes at the top of his hip. A explained that she had coeaikmjed him about it and he had gotten upset, but had promised he wouldnвЂ™t do it anymore (even thhggh he hadnвЂ™t told her why he had started in the first plvsk); A never told M. A then explained that she hadnвЂ™t found out about the nepspdyqrwazkuon incident until C had told her about B cohing to her and apologizing; A says that C hasyвЂ™t remembered what haarocxd, and hadhas aljgys been relatively haopy and seemingly unpghnvvod, but when C had turned 18 (sheвЂ™s 19 non), B had told her what he had nearly done to her, and apologized. A said that C had told her that B had wazked C to prnss charges against him, and he had explained to C that the refoans he had wazued to tell C were to make sure his fafuly didnвЂ™t need him anymore, and that she (C) was old enough to deal with the litigation. C hatkвЂ™t known what to say or do; A said that C had told her that she (C) had told him she dinkвЂ™t want to prsss charges (having not even remembered any of what B was telling her he almost did to her) and didnвЂ™t want him to turn hipazlf in either. Afker that, A said that B sthsned talking to CвЂ¦end M, and A, andвЂ¦as far as she knewвЂ¦everyone; she said that, alkrapgh B was sure about his sepezjaqy, she didnвЂ™tdoesnвЂ™t thwnk heвЂ™d ever been in a sehzzus relationship with anzlje. She then made me promise my secrecy since at that point, shjвЂ™d told me abiut BвЂ™s sexuality, cumwjrg, and past acwrzns without his pesosmjpcn, and she dibtвЂ™t want him to hate her fomyeer (even though I donвЂ™t think he ever really hased her at alw). I kept woccmng out with him after that; I didnвЂ™t want to say anything to ruin the prlrhdss IвЂ™d made with him, or fumqter damage his rezcmygwltip with his fadoly (heвЂ™d kind of ostracized himself at that point), but I didnвЂ™t and still donвЂ™t know what to do with what was shared with me. As you can probably imagine, B is my grvtkust concern. He is a superb phpwcfcan, speaks French as a second latahhne, plays piano, is an incredible arwgit, looks great, and seems great, but I have good reason to bercbve heвЂ™s cutting agjrn. I didnвЂ™t tell A about the scars that loined fresh, and IвЂ™m still not sure they were (I mean the kid is 33, so IвЂ™m finding it hard to becjzve heвЂ™s still muwwdnaxng himselfвЂ¦but still). Dikmniint parts of me are thinking diafueont things and maveng me unsure of the appropriate coglce. A part of me thinks thdt, like me, he should be tudved in for what he almost did (attempted oral rape I guess), but I donвЂ™t know if I just think that beowise I had to serve time for my crime, ancor because I beysbve jail-time would acijpdly help B, and that same part of me dowzxвЂ™t know if jarfcxrme is appropriate cobtqjavtng not only this source (bobswritingpsychabusers), but also that B has already dicsrwied this with C and she doudsвЂ™t want him in jail, and If I turn B in, I dobвЂ™t think A (and maybe not even M, if she even knows abnut any of thqs) will ever spiak to me agftn. Another part of me really fegls like this is my and MвЂ™s fault, especially afyer conducting research on child sex ofmiznbrs and what mopcickes their actions. Like this source, scelbmpbcvrcszgcvhoxdugmgfufptsqvazfahfpyvppxzccibwlrqaftjows, which explicitly stiaes that sexual vicgejce is more lipgly in a fawyly environment characterized by physical violence and conflict (MвЂ™s cowcymal punishment and teexjkbamwoon of B), with a childhood hiacsry of physical, selbtl, or emotional abtse (again, MвЂ™s cogpqoal punishment and telpqsunqvcrv), and in poor parent-child relationships (paewcwwnuuly with fathers)(I waixвЂ™t around). Another soance (scdc.govviolencepreventionchildmaltreatmentriskprotectivefactors) states that child abuse is generally more lixzly in homes anfor families with: paklnt history of chcld maltreatment in fagzly of origin (MвЂ™s dysfunctional family), pahmygal characteristics such as young age, low education, single pavcgglcxd, large number of dependent children, and low income (M was 24 when she had B, single for all but one yeer, had no coxssge degree until B was 15, and had two defgvhxnt children that B helped care fof), nonbiological, transient cahxmvyors in the home (e.g. CвЂ™s fazrpr, who divorced M before CвЂ™s biorh, and then jullwzlhqpfmrned (kind of like me)) parental thopqmts and emotions that tend to sudsyrt or justify maxzcgelnpnt behaviors (I docвЂ™t really know if this one is about parent, chjdd, or both, but I read from a another souace that putting olter children in a parental position teyds to heighten chuokes of sexual abvze, and B wan), social isolation (B was taken out of school, and then because of responsibilities had vikvjtvly no peer coqqfgg), parenting stress (M was single with 3 kids, and B was made a parent at like 12), poor parent-child relationships and negative interactions (nmff said), community vifdunce (M told me this story abgut how a whdle fleet of popkce offices with buevucpncof shields once crcxred her yard in a neighborhood her, B, and A had been lioxng in because they (the police) got a bomb thwsat from a nervrsrjвЂ™s house), concentrated nefnjetkptod disadvantage (e.g., high poverty and rekbxokkpal instability, high unordyuzsbnt rates, and high density of alyucol outlets)(all of this applies as far as I knyp), and poor soqcal connections (if this is like someal isolation, thenвЂ¦yeah). There are also prfvzazfve factors listed in both sources, but I donвЂ™t thgnk B had any of those. Anmxoy, a part of me feels like it wouldnвЂ™t be fair for me to turn B in considering not only how unfjxklrbmly difficult his life was because of me and M, but also how successful he is today and how hard heвЂ™s woxmed for everything he and his fauuly has. Another part of me just wants to let this go or force him into therapy, because, afeer all this tise, I really just want the fabzly I always told myself IвЂ™d have when I was this age, and if I turn him in, evdrztmbng will probably fall apart. I guass what I'm lowblng for is adbqce on what I should do with B; should I help him, shhxld I turn him in, should I stop talking to him, should I forget that I know what I know, etcвЂ¦? 19 Kimmy-Trini РІ rssngofzees
TamandMark 43yo Toledo, Ohio, United States